Freeing the Female Orgasm

by XANET PAILET on APRIL 5, 2013

Are you one of those women who have a hard time having an orgasm?  Trust me, you are not alone.  Difficulty achieving orgasm is one of the most common complaints that I receive from women.  There are many factors that can hinder orgasms but at the top of that list is the anxiety about not having an orgasm!  The more we worry about having an orgasm, the more stressed our body becomes and stressed bodies have a hard time relaxing, which is a key ingredient for freeing the female orgasm.  Here are a few simple steps that will get you on the road to having orgasms.


Forget about having an orgasm!  There are hundreds of erogenous zones on the body. Spend an hour or two with your partner taking turns just touching all the different parts of each other’s bodies, and leave your genitals completely out of the picture.


Touch your partner as if you were an alien and had never seen a human body before. Discover all the nooks and crannies, go slow and savor each sensation.   Soft fleshy parts can be especially pleasurable.  Explore earlobes, cheeks, inside of arms, neck, backs of knees, belly, in between fingers and toes.  What’s your newest erogenous zone? What’s your favorite?


Whenever something feels really delicious, allow yourself to completely feel it in your body, and take some long deep breaths while your partner continues the touch.


Keep breathing and focus on what you’re feeling in your body as you are being touched. The key here is to stay out of your head and completely focused on the sensations in your body.  Maintaining a deep, steady breath will allow you to stay in your body.



by XANET PAILET on APRIL 15, 2013

Did you know that one of the most common reasons that women can’t have orgasms is because they are not breathing?  Think about it…. Maybe you’re getting close, you feel on the verge of coming, and your natural instinct is to clench your muscles and hold your breath, often while thinking about how much you want that orgasm to happen.  No wonder it disappears.  Rather than opening up your body to that experience, you are literally closing it down by clenching and holding your breath.


While sitting in a chair with your feet on the floor, close your eyes, put your hands on your belly, open your mouth, and do some long deep breaths into your belly, pushing against your hands on the exhale.  Do this exercise for 3 minutes and put all of your focus on what you are feeling in your body during the breathing.  Now without changing position, move your hands gently over your genitals.  Start the inhale all the way down by your genitals and exhale deeply back into your hands.  Do this exercise for 3 minutes putting all your attention on what you are feeling in your body. You might feel sensations like warmth or tingly in your hands, yoni, or belly.  Feeling a little light headed is also normal because we are taking in more air than we normally do.  If you don’t feel anything, don’t worry.  For many people it takes a bit of practice to start to feel something different in their bodies.

Do this practice every day for a week. The more you breathe, the more you will feel and you will begin to free up your orgasms.



by XANET PAILET on MAY 25, 2013

Did you know that you can breathe your way to orgasm without any genital touch? It’s really true. Watch this video by Barbara Carrellas…  It does take lots of practice and good instruction.  A great thing to strive for but let’s first focus on breathing your way to orgasm with genital touch.

There are different types of breath and they produce different results.   Long,  slow, deep breaths causes our body to relax which is really important as arousal is building.  Fast charging breaths increase arousal and build up heat and sexual energy.  Using a combination of these breathing techniques is key to freeing up orgasm.



Sit in a chair with feet on the ground and exhale.  As you exhale, push the air out by rapidly pulling your navel to your spine and whisper the word “Ha” on each exhale.  The emphasis is on the exhale and the inhale comes naturally.  Put your hand on your diaphragm to focus your attention there.  Do the charging breath for 1 minute, building up to 2-3 minutes.  The charging breath is great before or during sex and it also helps wake you up at any time that you feel like you’re spacing out.

A variation on the charging breath which I really like is two quick inhales into the nose and an exhale out through the mouth with a “Ha” sound.  This is the same breath that they teach women to use during childbirth contractions.  In fact, there are a lot of physiological similarities between orgasms and childbirth, but that is for a future blog post!



by XANET PAILET on JUNE 20, 2013

The fastest way to free up your orgasm is one of the most challenging things for women to do during sex and that is to open your mouth and make sounds.  Isn’t it ironic that making noise, which comes so naturally to women during the rest of their lives, has become taboo when we are having sex?  Making noise, besides being sexy and a lot of fun, actually has physiological benefits to free up your orgasm.  The muscles in your throat are one of several sphincters in your body that are all inter-connected.  When you open up your throat you also are opening up your whole pelvic area, which relaxes the muscles necessary to have orgasms.  You are also breathing when you are making noises through an open throat making it more difficult to be in your head.


Make open-mouthed sounds with a loose throat.  Now close your mouth and make the same sounds.  Notice what happens in your pelvic area when your mouth is closed.

Starting to make sounds during sex can be hard.  Practice on your own first before bringing it into the bedroom.  Start slow by using vowels:  Ooh, Ah, Eee, Oh.  Try different lengths and different volume.  See what feels comfortable for you.


Try making animal sounds such as roaring or growling.  The deeper and more guttural the sound you make, the more you will charge up your sexual energy.  Many women I work with find an incredible release of energy when I coax them to make some noises during arousal.  Louder and more sustained noises during high arousal will move sexual energy around the body, freeing up the female orgasm.  Don’t worry about waking up the kids or disturbing the neighbors.  Making noise into a pillow easily solves that problem and you will be doing your vocal chords a favor!.


Xanet Pailet is a somatic sex educator, intimacy coach, tantra teacher, and sexological body worker who has worked in the health care field for over 25 years. She works with individuals and couples using a variety of modalities to help them explore different paths of pleasure within the body, increase their sexual energy, and help heal emotional and sexual wounds.

Fellow Somatic Sex Educator Highlight posted by Aleena Aspley – Enjoy!